Talking trash

Our orthodox columnists, Alamai Kachrawala, Aflatoon Wastrel and Letap Raddiwalla are always in agreement over what they state in their column ("Bawa Bashings"). What normally unites them is a loathing against the alleged liberal bias of Parsiana (Disclaimer: Any liberal content in the magazine is the work of reformist subversives who hack into our mainframe computers and install viruses propagating equality. We are looking into these acts of terrorism and will deal firmly with the culprits once they are identified and their passports confiscated. No one will be spared and the law will take its course).

But for once there was intense, deep-rooted division between the three. Aflatoon had a cut lip, Letap, a black eye and Alamai, scratch marks on her right arm on which she wore the knuckle duster. They marched into the office talking rubbish. "The BPP (Bombay Parsi Punchayet) will dump garbage in Ambawadi over my dead body," said Alamai. She was referring to an earlier plan to transport the wet garbage for processing from each housing colony to Ambawadi on Doongerwadi.

We attempted to placate her by saying the waste would not be dumped on her or anybody else’s body but deposited in a large processing unit which would convert the refuse into fertilizer. This could then be used to enrich the surrounding soil and strengthen the ecology of the 55-acre plot that houses the Towers of Silence, the bunglis and residential quarters for the staff. The surplus could be spread over the gardens in the various baugs. There would be no cost to the residents.

"Ambawadi, jambawadi, lambawadi, call it what you will, it’s still on our sacred soil for disposal of the dead. I’ll stand at the gate and bar entry. According to our Parsi scriptures, no dumpster can run over a sudreh-kusti, mathabanu wearing Parsi," she retorted.

"But you misunderstand," we interjected. "In Ambawadi, mostly the non-Parsi BPP staff stay. So we can’t consider it sacred. Non Parsis scare away the good vibrations and auras. Ambawadi is like any other piece of land where parjats reside. It has no special value. Only Doongerwadi is exceptional." We explained how Khareghat Colony and Godrej Baug were built on land that was once assigned to Doongerwadi to demonstrate the plots could be put to other uses.

She took out a rolling pin from her ubiquitous bazaar bag and warned that one more word of defiling our sacred land would be met with a fitting response. Aflatoon and Letap joined in noting that while they agreed with Alamai 150% as usual, the alternative of levying an additional Rs 200 a flat to collect the wet waste was a bit much. "We had a rethink. How can elderly retired people, widows and the needy afford this additional financial burden? That too in addition to the recent Rs 750 hike in service charges. Plus there are the Netflix monthly charges to worry about. The BPP is like the Indian government. Take, take and no give. This is not Parsipanu," explained Aflatoon.

Letap added, "The BPP toyed with the idea of setting up processing plants in each baug so the cost of transporting trash is saved and no sacrilege is committed on our beloved Doongerwadi lands. But when one plant was to be situated next to Alamai’s three-bedroom ground floor flat, she did not want her morning prayers to be defiled by non-Parsis walking around with piles of Parsi garbage. When the contractors come to set up the plant, she kicked the engineers and bit the arm of the mukadam (with her new dentures).

"When the manager and trustees tried to placate her by explaining they had to put the plant next to somebody’s house, she replied, why not Aflatoon’s or mine. But Aflatoon is allergic to waste and because of his large Parsi nose has a heightened sense of smell. We suggested situating the processing unit in other colony blocks but those selfish tenants objected. One family there said they parked their Mercedes at the spot, another said their children practised Bhangra Swag there. Others pointed out their block comprised sick residents and the fumes from the waste would hinder their recovery."

"So what do you suggest as an alternative?" we inquired.

"Why can’t the Municipality make an exception for Parsis? We have never asked for reservations or special privileges. Surely they can do that much."

"That’s tricky," we replied. "If they collect our garbage, other minorities will ask for the same preferential treatment. Suggest another alternative."

"Can’t we make some other religious group that worships nature set up the processing plant for us on their land?" inquired Aflatoon. "They should be thrilled to receive pure Parsi trash."

"But Zoroastrianism is supposed to be ecofriendly," we pointed out. "We’re always talking about our reverence for air, water and land. Shouldn’t we be doing it? True if we are cutting thousands of trees to keep the fires burning in our agiaries, but that’s for a religious purpose, so it’s fine."

Peering through his good eye Letap interjected, "Zoroastrianism is the religion of the good life. We can’t be associated with waste. We will lose our caste status."

"But we don’t have a caste system," we countered. "We have moral distinctions such as good and evil, ethical and unethical, compassionate and uncaring. That’s all."

"There is only one distinction," retorted Alamai. "Parsi and non-Parsi. It’s you dubra journalists who don’t know the difference. All you pointy headed, pseudo intellectuals don’t know your pencils from your pen drives, your Vendidad from your vasanu, and you’re preaching to us! You fake news journalists turn out so much rubbish everyday, you’re the ideal processing plant for community waste. I’m going to tell the BPP to dump the garbage at your presses. Then maybe the quality of your publications will improve."

So dear readers, if you see any betterment in the editorial content, now you know the reason why.