A one-up affair?

While some candidates are emerging to contest the Bombay Parsi Punchayet (BPP) trusteeship elections, others are considering withdrawing. Amongst them are Parsiana star columnists, osti Alamai Maramari, behdin Aflatoon Ghunchakkar and osta Letap Sipla.

"I knew it involved hard work," said Alamai, uncharacteristically thoughtful. "Attending functions, sitting on the stage, being garlanded, giving bhaashans (speeches), eating at gahanbars, snacking on McDonald’s burgers at the weekly trustee meets, composing emails, socializing and all, but now it also appears dangerous."

"Are you referring to the chair raising incident?" we enquired rhetorically."You shouldn’t let that bother you. It’s a one-up affair."

"Ha! What about the pencil that was flung? If the sharpened end had hit someone in the eye, they could have been blinded."

"The BPP staff is clearly instructed to never sharpen the pencils. (All sharp objects are banned in the boardroom. Only plastic cutlery is permissible — editors) Anyway the trustees use them for doodling and passing notes to one another. So the points are always blunt. Besides, we have it on the best of authority, the pencil never reached its intended mark; the missile landed on the table instead (it was a North Korean pencil -- editors). The trustee had sprained his arm and so could not throw with force."

"Your report said he had sprained his leg. Why don’t you make up your mind?" inquired Alamai.

"Maybe while lifting the chair, he may have sprained his wrist or something," we opined.

"What came first, the chair or the pencil? Be specific."

"Why does it matter? You wear glasses anyway."

"Now I’ll also have to wear a helmet. I always thought my mathabanoo (cloth head covering) was sufficient but my insurance policy specifies that if I become a BPP trustee I have to wear a helmet at all times. The trustees are also saying things like ‘Come to the maidan.’ I don’t want to go. My sari gets entangled in the weeds and there are so many mosquitoes. I used to go to the Gowalia Tank Maidan as a girl when they had the melas there but that was for the ice golas."

"I don’t think the invitation was for dining. Among macho Parsi men there is a belief that what cannot be sorted across the table should be settled in the field. Only the bailaas (sissies) go to the courts and the Press," we explained.

"And what about the code of conduct?" inquired Aflatoon. "Alamai was going to woo the voters with her kolmi no patio (thick prawn gravy) at the election meets. We even had our jingles ready: ‘If you want masoor dal, vote for other guys. If you want gourmet mal, then go with Alamai.’ We’re still working on the tune."

"It’s true voters don’t care who gets elected as long as they are good cooks and feed people," we empathized. "But talking about feeding, what do you all feel about the aviary project? WAPIZ boléch vulture lao, kaum né bachao (says bring the vultures, save the community). Do you endorse the move or will you oppose it?"

"Letap being a vegetarian is opposed to any form of meat eating," explained Aflatoon.

"But there is no killing for flesh involved here," we smartly countered. "For love, hate, power, money, trusteeship maybe, but not for purposes of consumption."

"But why can’t we serve vegetarian snacks? No voter is going to be swayed by popatji, chaapat and patrel," attested Letap, munching on a bhakra.

"On the contrary we may even lose votes," opined Aflatoon. "Many people consider vegetarian fare upsugan (inauspicious), anti Parsi."

"Upsugan, my chotli!" retorted Alamai. "I’ll tell you what’s anti Parsi: sleeveless cholis, kolhapuri chappals, jeans, minis, shorts, moccasins, bare heads, skimpy sudrehs…"

"What Aflatoon meant is anti-religious," we intervened. "Say, for example, you may be asked what your view is on barring priests from performing religious ceremonies at Doongerwadi if they don’t recite kusti prayers after going to the toilet, or they go to Hindi movies, or their wives wear short dresses.

"We’ve prepared a jingle for that," said Letap, the group’s literary head. "Damn the rites and kites, in our world might is right. Let the wives wear what they may. We’ll still win on Election Day.’ If the voters want the priests to pray, we’ll let them pray. If they say no, we’ll say ‘no.’"

"Hear, hear," chorused Aflatoon. "Power to the Parsis!"

"But isn’t this unethical?" we inquired. "Shouldn’t those aspiring to be trustees follow a more principled and consistent stand? How can you say one thing today and another tomorrow?"

"Don’t you read? They say consistency is the virtue of ghelsappas (fools). We are the strong. The need of the hour is courageous and determined persons, not weak minded, pencil headed intellectuals who can’t tell the difference between malido and vasanu, or papri and puri."

"Knowing your food is not a factor of intellect," we protested while refraining from adding the Biblical adage "the meek shall inherit the earth." "But we see the point you’re making. The voters will go for the popular choice. Merit, intellect, integrity may help but more often it’s a hindrance. What is important is to lure people into a false sense of security and well-being. Once you’re in office you can do whatever you want. Is that right?"

"Barabar (right). Once we’re elected, we’ve got a list of people we’re going to file court cases against, both civil and criminal. This will be a lethal, legal cocktail. Anyone who opposed us won’t get their leave and license agreement renewed. Only our supporters will be allotted flats. The rest can approach MHADA (Maharashtra Housing and Area Development Authority)," exuded Alamai.

"We can see you have the makings of true trustees," we observed. "Here’s to another glorious seven years."