Cutbacks and columnists

In the bleak scenario of the pandemic there was one spot of light for Parsiana. Our three traditional columnists Alamai Covidwalla, Aflatoon Virusji and Letap Pandemshah did not visit our office for fear of contacting the virus or any other bad vibes that could emanate from the liberal environment. Dressed in PPE (personal protection equipment) suits, which they put on outside our entrance, they stomped in in their usual cavalier manner and,without enquiring about our well-being, stated they wanted a hike in their fees for writing the column. "Ours is the only readable material in your yellow, fake news sheet and since we have to invest in all this equipment to come to the office, it’s only natural that you pay us more."

We were aghast. "You do realize that due to the pandemic and lockdown our income is down by half and we are barely managing to survive? We have cut back on salaries, trips to the fire temple, pilgrimages to Udvada, and burning and circulating loban in the office twice a day. How in Ahura Mazda’s name do you expect us to pay you more?"

To be honest, we didn’t pay them for any of the columns from March 2020 onwards as they wanted cash payment to avoid any income tax, goods and service tax, etc, but were too afraid to come to the office to collect the money or sign any papers. They would come at night and slide their handwritten column underneath our front door. They were not conversant with emails, mobiles, messaging, WhatsApp, etc, stating that "if God wanted us to use such means of communication, He would have provided us with inbuilt laptops and cell phones." Not financially compensating them for so many months was a great savings for a minuscule publishing house like ours as the trio are our highest paid contributors and at least 60% of our readers buy our humble journal to read their orthodox dogma. The Parsis are basically a traditional community and the columnists’ heady combination of bigotry, racism, sexism, prejudice and Islamophobia greatly endears them to many in the community. There is no way the publication could do without their semimonthly, hate-filled column.

We explained that due to our perilous pecuniary position we would be unable to pay the arrears all at once but would start partial payment from the following week and that any increment was out of the question. (Actually, we had kept their monthly dues in an escrow account that was earning interest and didn’t want to let it go at one shot.)

"Don’t talk to us about next week, pest week. We want all the money now. We can’t afford to keep buying new PPE suits each time we come to your dingy, little office without being richly compensated. We demand a 50% increase in payment per column." We were in a dilemma. With the enduring appeal of Trumpism in the West, Brexiters in Britain and the rise of Right-wing, nationalist Hinduism in India, the liberal agenda had suffered a severe setback. We also knew that the Indian courts had little sympathy for liberals, many of whom are labeled seditious, terrorists and anti-national. Many are imprisoned without bail for months on end. Only the hardline traditionalists get immediate relief. We knew it was imperative to keep the three columnists in good spirits. But how were we to generate income to finance the enhanced payment? Plus, we would be offending all our existing writers whose payments would not be upped.

We tried to change the subject. "What is this column about?" we enquired innocently. They were only too pleased to answer. "It’s about the policy followed by the Karani Agiary at Cusrow Baug discouraging the presence of Parsis married to non-Parsis and denying the wayward any prayers, funerary or otherwise. We have spoken to nearly all the concerned high priests, panthakies, mobeds, madressas and trustees, several of whom have endorsed our sentiments and promised to follow similar policies in their religious establishments. Shortly our agiaries will be islands of purity, rid of what our beloved Bombay Parsi Punchayet racist-loving chairman refers to as ‘cocktails.’ These undesirables pollute our consecrated fires and dilute our gene pool."

We replied there are hardly any visitors to our agiaries anyway. So if you discourage Parsis married out of the community and their children, fewer will be left. Many of the devout are elderly and can’t frequent the fire temples. Some agiaries have only one visitor in a week. How will they manage without devotees? Won’t the objectives of a fire temple trust be thwarted if the premises remain unutilized?

"We want quality, not quantity. The responsibility of the trustees is to keep the premises spick and span, not to fill it with Parsis who have deviated from the true path. Our religion has survived over 3,000 years despite invasions, hostile environs and misguided liberal Parsis. Ahura Mazda will ensure that his houses of worship endure forever.

"If you are thinking of going to court to change any of our ancient tarikats, forget it. The court has no sympathy for your liberal causes. They know the appropriate place for mischief makers like you is behind bars."

Worried that their comments could attract contempt of court proceedings, we immediately jumped to the defense of the judiciary.

"You misunderstand," we explained. "The courts are very balanced. They don’t look at your political affiliations or dealings but go purely on the merits of the case. Their judgments are often misrepresented in the media. The Kashmiris were agitating for civil liberties but the courts agreed with the government that this was not the right time to intervene. That is the correct approach. As for all those people behind bars awaiting trial, the courts are concerned about preserving the law and order situation as is the government. Imprisoning the Jawaharlal Nehru University and Jamia Millia Islamia students was basically to inculcate in them the need to concentrate on their studies. Similarly, people like Fr Stanley Swamy should have been praying, not supporting the underprivileged which is the government’s responsibility. As for the Goolrookh Gupta case, by referring the matter to a larger bench, the court has shown that more thought needs to be given regarding women entering houses of worship. This is a reflection of liberal thought."

Satisfied that the liberals would not be moving the courts to seek redressal, the trio appeared reassured. "Our fire temples and our way of life are safe. Jai Hind!" They marched out of the office, forgetting all about the payments — for now. But they will be back. And the tussle will continue.