A marriage guide

Noshir Dabu’s Shaadi-Mubarak laments the passing away of good old Parsi "mohollas (localities),” huge homes, joint families, garbas, early marriages, lots of children, etc. He gives reasons for the rot set in, in the name of modernization.

This is followed by a very good poem elucidating the high expectations (in a groom) set by today’s girls and he blames the girl’s parents for the large number of frustrated spinsters in the community.

Dabu deals with the spiritual aspect of matrimony, re­sponsibilities within marriage, all the important ceremonies (including those we have borrowed from Vedic rites), dress code, ses (the thali, not the peheramni), costs, venue, ideal time for the marriage ceremony, consent and vows for life (Pasand-E-Kardam), a detailed explanation of the Pazand-Aashirwad and several other topics including a few superfluous and redundant ones.

Problems of late marriages, intercaste wedlocks, infer­tility, adoption, etc are discussed. A 25-stanza poem called "Marriage-Guide” ends this little Gujarati booklet of 73 pages priced at Rs 20, available with the author at Gandhi Block, Parsi Compound, Ashram Road, Ahmedabad 380008; tel: 26575237.

Dabu has not even mentioned sexual compatibility within marriage. Sex is very important in a marriage and like good wine, it only improves over 20, 30 or 40 years with deeper understand­ing, connection and commitment. In marriage, sex becomes a spir­itual union of one soul in two bodies.

Then again, the practice of matching horoscopes among Parsis has not always led to a happy marriage. Forget horoscopes, two people’s minds should "match” to avoid an "unholy-deadlock” instead of holy wedlock.

The very serious problem of adultery is discussed nowhere in the book whereas its a very real problem today especially among the so-called high-fliers and couples who live life in the fast lane. Spouses have affairs for a variety of reasons like boredom, loss of communication, the thrill of a new "body,” incompatibility, sudden attention from another person, etc with the result that the marriage goes down the path of deceit, con­cealment and betrayal.

Today, the expectations of boys and girls are sky-high and based on mere physical beauty [ghaneej (very) beautiful girl joiyéj (wanted)]. Boys find a wife for the body but forget to find a wife for the mind. A wife must "mate” a man’s soul as well as his flesh.

Another problem is today’s youngsters who opt for a love marriage over an arranged one. Nothing can be more romantic than the illusions about another with which love marriages begin. Nothing can be more tragic than the way in which these illusions are dispelled when marriages end!

Marriage is like life itself — which means that it is infuriating, varied, wonderful, moving, tender, tiresome, des­perately hard work, high highs, low lows (and there are lots of these), comedy, tragedy and infinitely, yes, infinitely worth­while. Somehow Dabu has missed this point, pondering rather on tedium and endless details which screamingly beg for editing.

I adore Dabu’s spiritual books but clearly this book is not a patch on those.