THAAP to the fore!

With a dearth of candidates willing to contest the forthcoming September Bombay Parsi Punchayet (BPP) elections, Parsiana’s star columnists decided to enter the muddy fray. While the publication disagrees with their traditionalist stance, we thought we could offer them support if they cleared our doubts.

"Keep your support to yourself," retorted Alamai as the trio entered our office clutching their manifesto. "An endorsement from a yellow liberal rag like Parsiana is the kiss of death. We believe in tarikats, in tradition, not newfangled ideas of equality and fundamental rights. We’re going to win on merit" and so saying thrust their manifesto in our hands with the command: "Read!"

"But no one reads manifestoes," we protested.

"They will read ours. We are promising free housing to all along with fertility treatment, a microwave oven and a smart phone," said Aflatoon. "We’re also offering trips to Mt Demavand in Iran once every 10 years."

"Who will believe these promises? In the last election the candidates spoke of constructing 1,000 flats but they did not even lay a foundation stone for a single one. And what about the code of conduct? You can’t make promises you can’t fulfill."

"Who says we can’t fulfill them? That’s the trouble with you newspersons, you’re such rarta chanawallas (whiners)," said Alamai.

"We’re expecting record crowds at our election meets," said Letap. "Wait till you see the menu of items we’ll be serving: patra ni machhi (fish steamed in plantain leaf), lagan nu achar (pickle), kid gosht (tender mutton)."

"What about vegetarian fare?" we inquired. "Several of our staffers are vegetarians."

"We don’t want ghas phoos (vegetarian fare) Parsis. Our meetings are only open to true believers. Everyone who wants to attend will be given a chicken kabab at the entrance. If they refuse to eat, they can’t attend."

"But the electoral code of conduct says you can’t offer eatables and other inducements."

"Code of conduct, my sapat (slipper)," retorted Alamai. "Anyway it’s only proposed. No one is going to pass it or enforce the rules."

"But won’t there be a conflict of interest? As columnists you have to function as watchdogs."

"Maybe that’s why Parsiana has gone to the dogs. We’ll make our own rules," boasted Aflatoon.

"What else are you promising?"

"Compulsory dakhmenashini. If anybody opts for cremation the commandos from our newly formed Bachao (save) Souls (BS) committee will requisition the corpse and take it to Doongerwadi," stated Alamai.

"Wouldn’t that be illegal? You can’t even stop priests from praying for people opting for cremation," we pointed out.

"Religion is above the law," stated Alamai, citing I. M. Dharamchust vs U. R. Dharamdubav (Parsiana has not been able to independently verify the findings of the judgment). "The Parsi dharam rules supreme."

"But if everyone is consigned to the dakhmas, what about the smell? The Godrej Baug residents are always complaining of the stench," we noted.

"Bombay Parsis are always complaining," said Letap. "If they don’t like it they can shift elsewhere."

"There’s plenty of housing available near the Deonar municipality dump. Ha, ha!" interjected Aflatoon.

‘We are also forming a Behen Bachao (save sisters) Committee (BBC) where if any Parsi woman tries to marry a non-Parsi she will be taken captive and given mental reconditioning therapy by Alamai and others," explained Letap.

"All heads must be covered at all times. Even when bathing a shower cap will be compulsory. Anyone caught bareheaded will have their hair shorn," added Alamai, adjusting her mathabanu. "Before eating at lagans and navjotes the diners will have to sing Chhaiyé Hamé Zarthoshti."

"In C major," added Aflatoon, whose taste in music varies from classical, Mantovani, to modern, Pat Boone.

"What will you name your party?"

"The Honest Alamai and Associates Party or THAAP for short," replied Letap. "Alamai is our supreme leader. Her charisma alone will win the elections. Only she will select the candidates and her word will be final on all issues. Jai Ala!"

"Do you have a party symbol?" we inquired.

"We were thinking of a duster, so people would know we were serious about cleaning up the present mess. But we decided instead on a dar ni pori (sweetened lentil in a pastry crust). It’s round, so it signifies unity and it’s sweet, a kind of pori in the punchayet symbolism," explained Aflatoon.

"At all election rallies Alamai will wear a gara with her name embroidered all over in 12 point serif type. It costs ten lakh rupees," boasted Aflatoon. "And we have a host of other nylon saris in pink, bright blue, parrot green with matching cholis and dyed lace sudrehs. She’ll be the best dressed candidate."

"But how can you change the color of the sudreh?" we enquired. "Won’t the high priests object?"

Letap reached into his battered briefcase in which he carries newspapers and his lunch and pulled out a letter with stains of chicken farcha (fried in batter) signed by five high priests saying Alamai had a dispensation to wear off white and pastel shaded sudrehs as a "special case."

"But in the recent Delhi union territory elections the man with the humble muffler won. People are skeptical of well attired politicians," we observed.

"That’s the problem with adult franchise. The average person has no taste, doesn’t know anything. THAAP will educate Parsis on how to dress, eat, walk, talk. If anyone does not listen we have our ways. Remember what happened to that Russian who wanted to become a navar in Sanjan? THAAP organized that."

"But THAAP wasn’t even in existence then. It was another group of vigilantes — HIT (High-minded Independent Troublemakers)," we protested.

"That’s what you think. THAAP has always been there in the Parsi subconscious. It’s a state of mind. We advanced souls knew about it but you pen pushing hacks are ignorant as usual."

"It’s true we have our limitations. But have you conducted any polls to find out your chances of winning? Our polls show the community as middle-of-the-road, not subscribing to extremist views on the traditionalist or liberal side."

"We know all about your hogwash, propaganda Parsiana polls. Alamai, Letap and I have gone around house to house talking to Parsis in the baugs and elsewhere and we know what people want: Better snacks at election rallies, hot drinks, music, entertainment, free trips to Udvada, Bollywood nights and so on. Code of conduct jhaanam maa jai (go to hell)."

"Actually that’s what our polls also showed but we suppressed the findings because we wanted to show the community in a good light."

"So now will you vote for us, pinhead?"

"Well we tried everything else and it’s failed. Havé ek vaar Alamai sarkar (this time we’ll try a BPP headed by Alamai)!"