Editorial Viewpoint
The McPunchayet
The other day the traditionalist columnists Alamai, Letap and Aflatoon (ALA) who write exclusively for Parsiana, the international, diplomatic Zoroastrian link medium, sought an urgent meeting with the Parsiana editorial board. It had come to their knowledge that the snacks being served at the Bombay Parsi Punchayet (BPP) weekly trustees’ meetings were ordered from McDonalds! Traditionally the eats were dar ni pori, chaapats, malido, kopra pak, sev gathia and the like. A slight deviation to sandwiches and wafers had crept in over the years but one turned a blind eye at the transgression.
But now an American based fast food outlet was catering to duly elected Parsi Zoroastrian BPP trustees. What about all the Parsi entrepreneurs who made snacks and the ladies at RTI (Ratan Tata Institute, not Right To Information, dummy)? Why did the trustees tom-tom their orthodoxy so much during the elections if they were going to eat juddin food in the boardroom?
As per our editorial policy we tried to reason with ALA saying the trustees were just trying to change their fuddy-duddy image by eating hep food. Maybe the Zoroastrian Youth for the Next Generation (ZYNG) group was advising an image makeover. After all you can’t have a calendar of scantily clad women hanging in your office and then be eating popatjis, we reasoned.
But ALA would not be pacified. They wanted to take out a procession to the BPP office, barge in and blacken the trustees’ faces with vasanu. “If we don’t act now, next they’ll be serving Thai or Korean food!” said Aflatoon. “Or heaven forbid, idlis and aloo chaat,” pitched in Alamai noting that foreign food was preferable to south Indian or Punjabi dishes. (At Parsiana we like puri bhaaji and gulab jamuns but we didn’t dare tell that to ALA. Readers are requested to keep this information confidential.)
Finally we were able to convince ALA that the proper procedure was to write to the BPP and ask them to explain why M got preference over a P.
“What if they deny they are eating Chicken McNuggets and Big Spicy Paneer Wraps?” asked Letap. “That is a possibility but we have a hidden camera and a bugging device in the boardroom so we can display on YouTube what is been gulped down,” we observed. “A former News of the Globe journalist made the arrangements through some security agency so we are not involved.” (Disclaimer: Parsiana strongly disapproves of any illegal practices in obtaining information of public or private interest and like media baron Rupert Murdoch absolve ourselves of all liabilities, civil and criminal. Should anyone drag us to court please note that like the BPP, 50 percent of our income is earmarked for litigation — we club it with our writer retraining program costs to make people believe we want to improve.)
When ALA’s missive reached the BPP, the item was placed on the next meeting’s agenda under the heading “Urgent.” Parsiana quotes verbatim from the conversation that took place in the trustees’ meet without mentioning names. We are told this will prove a valuable defense if the trustees, as per their habit, take us to court.
Trustee A munching on the Potato Wedges and slurping Café Mocha at 3.15 p.m.: “This super value pack of Rs 55 upwards from McDonalds is a good deal. Perhaps we should serve it at the next World Zoroastrian Congress. Badampak gives me heartburn.”
Trustee C: “Are we hosting the Congress? I thought Singapore was nominated by the selection committee. Pass the Veg McMuffin please.”
Trustee A: “No, no, no. We are hosting the Congress. Don’t you people read Parsiana? They said we ‘hijacked’ the Congress.”
Trustee C: “If we are holding the global get-together then why does it never appear in our agenda?”
Trustee B: “We have more pressing issues. Did you all read the letter from ALA listed as item 507 on our agenda?” (Items 1 to 300 are marked very, very urgent, 301 to 506 are very urgent and 507 and above are urgent — editors).
Trustee E: “With so many items on the agenda who has time to read them all? We just look at the items where we have been asked to preside at some function and are presented garlands. Anyway it’s only 3.30 p.m. What’s the point of discussing important issues now? Let’s wait till 7 p.m. when the two others trustees are also here. It’s so ‘b-o-r-i-n-g’ having to go over all the crucial issues again and re-record or change our decisions. Let’s take up some legal issues till they come. Have we filed any more cases? And please no more mediation. Last time I had an upset stomach eating the club food. Why can’t we hold the talks in a five-star hotel like civilized people? Also I get a headache because the mediator keeps talking about working together, finding solutions and such nonsense. If we wanted to settle the matter we would have done it ages ago.”
Trustee A: “Could you please pass the ketchup? Remember how we got Trustee X out of the Punchayet because we made him eat vada pau instead of Fish-o-Fillet! Cheaper too.”
Trustee B: “Are ALA objecting to the cost?”
Trustee C: “They won’t know how much we spend because we club the expenses under ‘staff welfare.’”
Trustee D: “Why not Doongerwadi? We put our legal expenses there.”
Trustee C: “Staff welfare because if anything is left over (chuckle, chuckle), we let the trust employees eat it. Our ordering, however, is pretty precise so there is hardly any spillover.”
7.15 p.m. Trustee F arrives.
Trustee F: “Are the Chicken Maharaja Macs over? Coming up in the elevator the liftman told me there was some garbar (problem) about McDonalds. The delivery boy told him that somebody objected to the food being served. Are the quantities inadequate?”
Trustee A: “Don’t you ever read the agenda notice, if not the attachments?”
Trustee F: “Who has the time for all that bhankas (nonsense)? Pass me the Veg Piza McPuff.”
8.45 p.m. Trustee G arrives.
Trustee G: “Has my McShake chocolate ice cream come? I’m famished. I’ve just got back from a three-day holiday weekend and as there was no food at home I thought I might as well attend the trustees’ meeting. Hey, the fries are cold. Is the microwave working? By the way the watchman told me ALA has complained about the nutritional value of food we order. What is it about all these organizations that start with A: [Alert Zoroastrians Association (AZA), Association for Revival of Zoroastrianism (ARZ), Association of Inter Married Zoroastrians (AIMZ) – editors]. Why don’t we request ALA to change the acronym to LAA?”
Trustees’ chorus: “Splendid idea. We second the proposal. Send them a legal notice demanding they change and then opt for mediation.”
Trustee A: “Brilliant idea. Now that we’ve acted decisively and done something constructive, we can close the meeting and leave for dinner. Chinese anyone?”
But now an American based fast food outlet was catering to duly elected Parsi Zoroastrian BPP trustees. What about all the Parsi entrepreneurs who made snacks and the ladies at RTI (Ratan Tata Institute, not Right To Information, dummy)? Why did the trustees tom-tom their orthodoxy so much during the elections if they were going to eat juddin food in the boardroom?
As per our editorial policy we tried to reason with ALA saying the trustees were just trying to change their fuddy-duddy image by eating hep food. Maybe the Zoroastrian Youth for the Next Generation (ZYNG) group was advising an image makeover. After all you can’t have a calendar of scantily clad women hanging in your office and then be eating popatjis, we reasoned.
But ALA would not be pacified. They wanted to take out a procession to the BPP office, barge in and blacken the trustees’ faces with vasanu. “If we don’t act now, next they’ll be serving Thai or Korean food!” said Aflatoon. “Or heaven forbid, idlis and aloo chaat,” pitched in Alamai noting that foreign food was preferable to south Indian or Punjabi dishes. (At Parsiana we like puri bhaaji and gulab jamuns but we didn’t dare tell that to ALA. Readers are requested to keep this information confidential.)
Finally we were able to convince ALA that the proper procedure was to write to the BPP and ask them to explain why M got preference over a P.
“What if they deny they are eating Chicken McNuggets and Big Spicy Paneer Wraps?” asked Letap. “That is a possibility but we have a hidden camera and a bugging device in the boardroom so we can display on YouTube what is been gulped down,” we observed. “A former News of the Globe journalist made the arrangements through some security agency so we are not involved.” (Disclaimer: Parsiana strongly disapproves of any illegal practices in obtaining information of public or private interest and like media baron Rupert Murdoch absolve ourselves of all liabilities, civil and criminal. Should anyone drag us to court please note that like the BPP, 50 percent of our income is earmarked for litigation — we club it with our writer retraining program costs to make people believe we want to improve.)
When ALA’s missive reached the BPP, the item was placed on the next meeting’s agenda under the heading “Urgent.” Parsiana quotes verbatim from the conversation that took place in the trustees’ meet without mentioning names. We are told this will prove a valuable defense if the trustees, as per their habit, take us to court.
Trustee A munching on the Potato Wedges and slurping Café Mocha at 3.15 p.m.: “This super value pack of Rs 55 upwards from McDonalds is a good deal. Perhaps we should serve it at the next World Zoroastrian Congress. Badampak gives me heartburn.”
Trustee C: “Are we hosting the Congress? I thought Singapore was nominated by the selection committee. Pass the Veg McMuffin please.”
Trustee A: “No, no, no. We are hosting the Congress. Don’t you people read Parsiana? They said we ‘hijacked’ the Congress.”
Trustee C: “If we are holding the global get-together then why does it never appear in our agenda?”
Trustee B: “We have more pressing issues. Did you all read the letter from ALA listed as item 507 on our agenda?” (Items 1 to 300 are marked very, very urgent, 301 to 506 are very urgent and 507 and above are urgent — editors).
Trustee E: “With so many items on the agenda who has time to read them all? We just look at the items where we have been asked to preside at some function and are presented garlands. Anyway it’s only 3.30 p.m. What’s the point of discussing important issues now? Let’s wait till 7 p.m. when the two others trustees are also here. It’s so ‘b-o-r-i-n-g’ having to go over all the crucial issues again and re-record or change our decisions. Let’s take up some legal issues till they come. Have we filed any more cases? And please no more mediation. Last time I had an upset stomach eating the club food. Why can’t we hold the talks in a five-star hotel like civilized people? Also I get a headache because the mediator keeps talking about working together, finding solutions and such nonsense. If we wanted to settle the matter we would have done it ages ago.”
Trustee A: “Could you please pass the ketchup? Remember how we got Trustee X out of the Punchayet because we made him eat vada pau instead of Fish-o-Fillet! Cheaper too.”
Trustee B: “Are ALA objecting to the cost?”
Trustee C: “They won’t know how much we spend because we club the expenses under ‘staff welfare.’”
Trustee D: “Why not Doongerwadi? We put our legal expenses there.”
Trustee C: “Staff welfare because if anything is left over (chuckle, chuckle), we let the trust employees eat it. Our ordering, however, is pretty precise so there is hardly any spillover.”
7.15 p.m. Trustee F arrives.
Trustee F: “Are the Chicken Maharaja Macs over? Coming up in the elevator the liftman told me there was some garbar (problem) about McDonalds. The delivery boy told him that somebody objected to the food being served. Are the quantities inadequate?”
Trustee A: “Don’t you ever read the agenda notice, if not the attachments?”
Trustee F: “Who has the time for all that bhankas (nonsense)? Pass me the Veg Piza McPuff.”
8.45 p.m. Trustee G arrives.
Trustee G: “Has my McShake chocolate ice cream come? I’m famished. I’ve just got back from a three-day holiday weekend and as there was no food at home I thought I might as well attend the trustees’ meeting. Hey, the fries are cold. Is the microwave working? By the way the watchman told me ALA has complained about the nutritional value of food we order. What is it about all these organizations that start with A: [Alert Zoroastrians Association (AZA), Association for Revival of Zoroastrianism (ARZ), Association of Inter Married Zoroastrians (AIMZ) – editors]. Why don’t we request ALA to change the acronym to LAA?”
Trustees’ chorus: “Splendid idea. We second the proposal. Send them a legal notice demanding they change and then opt for mediation.”
Trustee A: “Brilliant idea. Now that we’ve acted decisively and done something constructive, we can close the meeting and leave for dinner. Chinese anyone?”
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