Editorial Viewpoint
The last Noel
After a three month hiatus Parsiana’s traditionalist guest columnists Alamai, Letap and Aflatoon (ALA) are back in action. (The trio said they were writing a book Orthodoxy for the Soul but the real reason for the break Parsiana will disclose in a future issue.) In the meanwhile the magazine has been inundated with a tsunami of letters from readers addressed to the three. Deciding which queries to respond to first is a sensitive issue so the editors followed their usual policy of dealing with the least topical subjects first.
“Dear ALA
“This December we received a Christmas cake from one of my daughter-in-law’s non-Parsi friends. The well-seasoned cake soaked in rum and full of raisins with dried fruit on top was eagerly devoured by the family. But I hesitated to partake of it. Not because of the calorie content. Like most Parsis, I am least concerned about my health or figure. I believe whatever happens to me is the will of Ahura Mazda. No, my worry was far greater. Should a Parsi be eating a Christmas cake, in other words should a Parsi partake, in whatever manner, of a juddin festival?
“Not that I have anything against Christianity or Christ. Some of my distant relatives’ best friends are Christians and once I even took a trip to Goa. But I believe my Parsipanu will be diluted if I ingest any part of a heathenish confection. My family says I am being irrational but I know I will get an honest and orthodox answer from you.
“Sincerely
“Anonymous” (Name withheld on request as lady fears that the Christmas cake makers’ association may send her hate mail — editors.)
“Dear Fruitcake
“Congratulations on consulting us on this alimentary problem. Most Parsi/Irani Zoroastrians would have eaten the cake without the least concern about whether their souls would eventually cross the Chinvad pul. But you’re obviously made of different ingredients. Partaking of any non-Parsis festivities makes you less of a Parsi/Irani Zoroastrian. About 20 years ago Aflatoon’s son burst some fire crackers at Diwali. Afla offered him for adoption and hasn’t spoken to him since. Fire is too sacred to be playing games with.
“But food is a different case altogether. Fasting is not part of our religion nor is refusing any sweet dishes, more so if they contain alcohol. The three of us discussed the matter at great length with two of us feeling no great damage would be done if you ate only one piece while one felt even a morsel would disturb your internal Parsi vibrations. Letap felt that after partaking of such food one should not enter a fire temple for at least 24 hours till the offending particles would hopefully have been evacuated.
Since there were differing points of view, Alamai felt we should refer the matter to the trustees of the Bombay Parsi Punchayet (BPP) since it was partly a secular issue. Afla felt it was a religious matter and should be referred to the high priests. Letap felt we could not ignore the legal aspects (the cake makers’ association going to court, etc). So we wrote to all three principals.”
The BPP’s response: “We are in receipt of your letter undated regarding the Christmas cake. We regret that you did not include some pieces (seven actually) for us to study and analyze. It is normally not our policy to reply to letters from the gutter Press but because of the high regard that ALA is held in the BPP, the fact that we don’t know when the next trusteeship election may be held and as we don’t want to irritate opinion makers like your distinguished selves, we are replying.
“Your item was placed on our agenda for the weekly Tuesday meeting which starts at 3 p.m. sharp but we kept your item for later, around 8 p.m. when we could be sure all the trustees would be present. Many of them have more important things to attend to so we keep the less crucial issues earlier such as long term planning, the electoral code of conduct, mediation over the ‘renegade’ priests case, proper functioning of the solar panels, repairs to colonies, letters of complaints, etc.
Firstly, we would like to say all the trustees are orthodox and vow to uphold our ancient reet rivajs (customs and traditions). Secondly, the trustees’ first duty is to safeguard the sanctity of Doongerwadi. Hence we would like to know if Christmas cake slices in the stomach of a deceased Parsi would have any adverse effect on the system of disposal. Would the vapors from the consumed rum fog the mirrors of the solar concentrators? Once we have our 100-crore rupee aviary project in operation would the Christmas cake give the vultures indigestion? Consigning bodies to the captive vultures will be subject to the Parsi relatives submitting an affidavit that the deceased did not consume any drug containing diclofenac at least 30 days prior to death; an indemnity bond also would have to be given stating that in the event of any vulture dying, Rs 5,00,000 would have to be paid to the BPP towards costs for breeding a replacement fledgling.
“There are no easy answers. We will only be able to reply to your queries following an in-depth study and preferably after the 2015 elections.
“Yours in faithful, 24x7 service to the community
“The Board of Trustees”
The high priests were more forthright. They wanted to know if the cake was made by a Parsi/Irani Zoroastrian. Certain sections of the Vendidad condoned eating juddin food if the chef was Parsi and if the person wore a sudreh and kusti at the time of kneading/baking/cooking. Also, if the chef was a woman, was she in her menses at the time?
The dasturs roundly debunked the Gathas-only school of thought that said Zoroastrianism is a universal religion and every follower must make a choice. “There is no choice in the Parsi religion,” they wrote. “You must follow the dictates of the high priests, not the low behdins. You can have your cake but whether you can eat it or not depends on us.” They were not able to cite any scriptural sources for their commandments (since Zoroastrianism predates Christianity by 10,000 years or something like that there is no mention of Christmas cakes in the Avesta — editors). The priests anyway ordered the BPP to enforce their fatwas at Doongerwadi and the two agiaries managed by them.
The lawyers believed the subject was ideal for a test case and should be fought on constitutional grounds. They approximated legal fees in the vicinity of five crore rupees which, as per the practice, would be clubbed in the balance sheet with the Doongerwadi expenses. “We have a sound case. We can fight all the way to the Supreme Court (if mediation is ordered the costs may go up by another 50 lakh rupees or so). Important legal issues are at stake. What the community eats and when and where is not a matter of individual choice — as our revered high priests have stated — but of community survival. If anybody can do whatever they want where is the sanctity of law? Of religion?
“Yours faithfully
“Managing Partner
“Bungas & Fungas
“P.S.: Our bills amounting to one crore rupees for legal guidance on barring entry to fire temples to Parsi women married to non-Parsis are still pending. But rest assured we will continue to fight for you wholeheartedly if not wholeheadedly. Ha, Ha!”
Parsiana would like to thank all the respondents for sparing time to shed light on a crucial community issue.
Ushta té.
“Dear ALA
“This December we received a Christmas cake from one of my daughter-in-law’s non-Parsi friends. The well-seasoned cake soaked in rum and full of raisins with dried fruit on top was eagerly devoured by the family. But I hesitated to partake of it. Not because of the calorie content. Like most Parsis, I am least concerned about my health or figure. I believe whatever happens to me is the will of Ahura Mazda. No, my worry was far greater. Should a Parsi be eating a Christmas cake, in other words should a Parsi partake, in whatever manner, of a juddin festival?
“Not that I have anything against Christianity or Christ. Some of my distant relatives’ best friends are Christians and once I even took a trip to Goa. But I believe my Parsipanu will be diluted if I ingest any part of a heathenish confection. My family says I am being irrational but I know I will get an honest and orthodox answer from you.
“Sincerely
“Anonymous” (Name withheld on request as lady fears that the Christmas cake makers’ association may send her hate mail — editors.)
“Dear Fruitcake
“Congratulations on consulting us on this alimentary problem. Most Parsi/Irani Zoroastrians would have eaten the cake without the least concern about whether their souls would eventually cross the Chinvad pul. But you’re obviously made of different ingredients. Partaking of any non-Parsis festivities makes you less of a Parsi/Irani Zoroastrian. About 20 years ago Aflatoon’s son burst some fire crackers at Diwali. Afla offered him for adoption and hasn’t spoken to him since. Fire is too sacred to be playing games with.
“But food is a different case altogether. Fasting is not part of our religion nor is refusing any sweet dishes, more so if they contain alcohol. The three of us discussed the matter at great length with two of us feeling no great damage would be done if you ate only one piece while one felt even a morsel would disturb your internal Parsi vibrations. Letap felt that after partaking of such food one should not enter a fire temple for at least 24 hours till the offending particles would hopefully have been evacuated.
Since there were differing points of view, Alamai felt we should refer the matter to the trustees of the Bombay Parsi Punchayet (BPP) since it was partly a secular issue. Afla felt it was a religious matter and should be referred to the high priests. Letap felt we could not ignore the legal aspects (the cake makers’ association going to court, etc). So we wrote to all three principals.”
The BPP’s response: “We are in receipt of your letter undated regarding the Christmas cake. We regret that you did not include some pieces (seven actually) for us to study and analyze. It is normally not our policy to reply to letters from the gutter Press but because of the high regard that ALA is held in the BPP, the fact that we don’t know when the next trusteeship election may be held and as we don’t want to irritate opinion makers like your distinguished selves, we are replying.
“Your item was placed on our agenda for the weekly Tuesday meeting which starts at 3 p.m. sharp but we kept your item for later, around 8 p.m. when we could be sure all the trustees would be present. Many of them have more important things to attend to so we keep the less crucial issues earlier such as long term planning, the electoral code of conduct, mediation over the ‘renegade’ priests case, proper functioning of the solar panels, repairs to colonies, letters of complaints, etc.
Firstly, we would like to say all the trustees are orthodox and vow to uphold our ancient reet rivajs (customs and traditions). Secondly, the trustees’ first duty is to safeguard the sanctity of Doongerwadi. Hence we would like to know if Christmas cake slices in the stomach of a deceased Parsi would have any adverse effect on the system of disposal. Would the vapors from the consumed rum fog the mirrors of the solar concentrators? Once we have our 100-crore rupee aviary project in operation would the Christmas cake give the vultures indigestion? Consigning bodies to the captive vultures will be subject to the Parsi relatives submitting an affidavit that the deceased did not consume any drug containing diclofenac at least 30 days prior to death; an indemnity bond also would have to be given stating that in the event of any vulture dying, Rs 5,00,000 would have to be paid to the BPP towards costs for breeding a replacement fledgling.
“There are no easy answers. We will only be able to reply to your queries following an in-depth study and preferably after the 2015 elections.
“Yours in faithful, 24x7 service to the community
“The Board of Trustees”
The high priests were more forthright. They wanted to know if the cake was made by a Parsi/Irani Zoroastrian. Certain sections of the Vendidad condoned eating juddin food if the chef was Parsi and if the person wore a sudreh and kusti at the time of kneading/baking/cooking. Also, if the chef was a woman, was she in her menses at the time?
The dasturs roundly debunked the Gathas-only school of thought that said Zoroastrianism is a universal religion and every follower must make a choice. “There is no choice in the Parsi religion,” they wrote. “You must follow the dictates of the high priests, not the low behdins. You can have your cake but whether you can eat it or not depends on us.” They were not able to cite any scriptural sources for their commandments (since Zoroastrianism predates Christianity by 10,000 years or something like that there is no mention of Christmas cakes in the Avesta — editors). The priests anyway ordered the BPP to enforce their fatwas at Doongerwadi and the two agiaries managed by them.
The lawyers believed the subject was ideal for a test case and should be fought on constitutional grounds. They approximated legal fees in the vicinity of five crore rupees which, as per the practice, would be clubbed in the balance sheet with the Doongerwadi expenses. “We have a sound case. We can fight all the way to the Supreme Court (if mediation is ordered the costs may go up by another 50 lakh rupees or so). Important legal issues are at stake. What the community eats and when and where is not a matter of individual choice — as our revered high priests have stated — but of community survival. If anybody can do whatever they want where is the sanctity of law? Of religion?
“Yours faithfully
“Managing Partner
“Bungas & Fungas
“P.S.: Our bills amounting to one crore rupees for legal guidance on barring entry to fire temples to Parsi women married to non-Parsis are still pending. But rest assured we will continue to fight for you wholeheartedly if not wholeheadedly. Ha, Ha!”
Parsiana would like to thank all the respondents for sparing time to shed light on a crucial community issue.
Ushta té.
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From the archive