Editorial Viewpoint
A toothless act?
Our regular writer of the magazine’s editorials being asked to proceed on leave on account of his highly biased and irreligious views and no one else in the editorial department willing to incur the community’s wrath [ai aafat maa nathi parvu (we don’t want to be involved in this mess)] we have once again been forced to turn to our three trusted correspondents, Aflatun and Alamai assisted by Rignahej Letap.
Fortunately they were available and readily agreed as long as they could write freely, state the traditionalists’ point of view and were well paid.
The first two conditions were acceptable but for the third we had to approach an up-country benefactor of orthodoxy known to support conservative causes in cosmopolitan newspapers. He agreed subject to the content being sufficiently abusive of liberals.
As in the past their column will consist of answers to questions raised by our readers.
Question: Recently I had a tooth extracted. As I sat reclining in the dentist’s chair contemplating my bloody tooth on the tray, I was filled with anxiety. What was the proper mode of disposal for the tooth? Should I request the trustees of the Bombay Parsi Punchayet (BPP) for permission to place the tooth in a dakhma or should I bury it (though I am told where there is a dakhma, burial is anathema).
Let me state that I am a Parsi professing the Zoroastrian faith, born of both Parsi parents whose parents in turn were also Parsi Zoroastrians. Even though I have no more teeth (I ate a lot of sweets in my youth and my parents never told me about flossing) I want to forewarn others who may lose teeth, especially our young who don’t brush their teeth regularly. Please enlighten me.
Answer: Dear Toothless.
You have raised a very pertinent question which raises several scriptural and theological questions. In an age where people are indifferent on the issue of disposing of cut hair and nails, appendixes, cataracts, etc you stand like a beacon of orthodoxy. Congratulations.
Firstly, we are very happy to hear you are a Parsi Zoroastrian of at least two generations standing with all parents and grandparents being Parsi Zoroastrians. This is a fundamental requirement when raising such a sensitive subject. We are fed up of answering questions from dhongidoxes who claim to be traditionalists but don’t recite their kusti prayers each time they go to the toilet, leave their heads uncovered and let menstruating women sit with them.
However Toothless, you are silent on the fact as to whether you are single or married and if so married to a Parsi or a non-Parsi. We would like a clarification on this point. If you are married to a non-Parsi you cease to be a Parsi Zoroastrian in our eyes (we are not concerned with the law of the land or in fact any law we disagree with). Your tooth then could be thrown in a waste paper basket or cremated for all we care.
We approached the BPP trustees regarding your query who in turn reverted the matter to the law firm of Bungas and Fungas. They stated an affidavit would have to be provided that the tooth continued to practice the Zoroastrian faith in as much that it only munched on non-vegetarian fare and had an affinity for oily and spicy food. The trustees, however opined the issue was also a religious one and referred to four of the six high priests who concur with everything they say. (“We follow what our high priests say in all religious matters,” the trustees said conceding that aside from the rote learning of the kusti prayers their knowledge of the religion was “a big, fat zero.)”
The four high priests said that they first wanted proof that the tooth actually belonged to you, a Parsi Zoroastrian. For this they would require a DNA certificate. Should the tooth be of a Parsi Zoroastrian, certain obsequies would have to be performed at Doongerwadi and non-Parsis could not be present. Depending on whether the tooth was a molar, premolar, canine, incisor or wisdom tooth it would be placed on one of the respective pavis reserved for teeth.
Out of respect for the tooth no sweets should be included in the food prayed upon. This is to remind all present of the pitfall of eating the wrong things, blessed or unblessed. If by mistake any mithai, malido, dar ni poris find themselves in the prayer khumcha, they should be given to non-Parsis to eat.
They also inquired who you were married to and ruled that if you had married a non-Parsi, the tooth would be viewed as illegitimate and would have to be placed in the special dakhma reserved for interfaith married women, prostitutes, murderers and the like.
Dear Toothless, you can now see how rigorous and exacting our standards are for inclusion of any body part in our sacred dakhmas. But as we are also pragmatic and humane may we offer you some sound advice? When your time comes to cross the Chinvat Pul (and we are sure you would cross over being such an ardent Parsi Zoroastrian) make sure you or none of your family members mentions anything about blood transfusions you may have taken, organ or lens implants, skin grafts, etc. This will open up a whole slew of theological issues and your body may have to remain in the morgue for years to come till the matters are resolved.
Ushta-te.
Fortunately they were available and readily agreed as long as they could write freely, state the traditionalists’ point of view and were well paid.
The first two conditions were acceptable but for the third we had to approach an up-country benefactor of orthodoxy known to support conservative causes in cosmopolitan newspapers. He agreed subject to the content being sufficiently abusive of liberals.
As in the past their column will consist of answers to questions raised by our readers.
Question: Recently I had a tooth extracted. As I sat reclining in the dentist’s chair contemplating my bloody tooth on the tray, I was filled with anxiety. What was the proper mode of disposal for the tooth? Should I request the trustees of the Bombay Parsi Punchayet (BPP) for permission to place the tooth in a dakhma or should I bury it (though I am told where there is a dakhma, burial is anathema).
Let me state that I am a Parsi professing the Zoroastrian faith, born of both Parsi parents whose parents in turn were also Parsi Zoroastrians. Even though I have no more teeth (I ate a lot of sweets in my youth and my parents never told me about flossing) I want to forewarn others who may lose teeth, especially our young who don’t brush their teeth regularly. Please enlighten me.
Answer: Dear Toothless.
You have raised a very pertinent question which raises several scriptural and theological questions. In an age where people are indifferent on the issue of disposing of cut hair and nails, appendixes, cataracts, etc you stand like a beacon of orthodoxy. Congratulations.
Firstly, we are very happy to hear you are a Parsi Zoroastrian of at least two generations standing with all parents and grandparents being Parsi Zoroastrians. This is a fundamental requirement when raising such a sensitive subject. We are fed up of answering questions from dhongidoxes who claim to be traditionalists but don’t recite their kusti prayers each time they go to the toilet, leave their heads uncovered and let menstruating women sit with them.
However Toothless, you are silent on the fact as to whether you are single or married and if so married to a Parsi or a non-Parsi. We would like a clarification on this point. If you are married to a non-Parsi you cease to be a Parsi Zoroastrian in our eyes (we are not concerned with the law of the land or in fact any law we disagree with). Your tooth then could be thrown in a waste paper basket or cremated for all we care.
We approached the BPP trustees regarding your query who in turn reverted the matter to the law firm of Bungas and Fungas. They stated an affidavit would have to be provided that the tooth continued to practice the Zoroastrian faith in as much that it only munched on non-vegetarian fare and had an affinity for oily and spicy food. The trustees, however opined the issue was also a religious one and referred to four of the six high priests who concur with everything they say. (“We follow what our high priests say in all religious matters,” the trustees said conceding that aside from the rote learning of the kusti prayers their knowledge of the religion was “a big, fat zero.)”
The four high priests said that they first wanted proof that the tooth actually belonged to you, a Parsi Zoroastrian. For this they would require a DNA certificate. Should the tooth be of a Parsi Zoroastrian, certain obsequies would have to be performed at Doongerwadi and non-Parsis could not be present. Depending on whether the tooth was a molar, premolar, canine, incisor or wisdom tooth it would be placed on one of the respective pavis reserved for teeth.
Out of respect for the tooth no sweets should be included in the food prayed upon. This is to remind all present of the pitfall of eating the wrong things, blessed or unblessed. If by mistake any mithai, malido, dar ni poris find themselves in the prayer khumcha, they should be given to non-Parsis to eat.
They also inquired who you were married to and ruled that if you had married a non-Parsi, the tooth would be viewed as illegitimate and would have to be placed in the special dakhma reserved for interfaith married women, prostitutes, murderers and the like.
Dear Toothless, you can now see how rigorous and exacting our standards are for inclusion of any body part in our sacred dakhmas. But as we are also pragmatic and humane may we offer you some sound advice? When your time comes to cross the Chinvat Pul (and we are sure you would cross over being such an ardent Parsi Zoroastrian) make sure you or none of your family members mentions anything about blood transfusions you may have taken, organ or lens implants, skin grafts, etc. This will open up a whole slew of theological issues and your body may have to remain in the morgue for years to come till the matters are resolved.
Ushta-te.
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