The things I will do

With the election of a new Bombay Parsi Punchayet (BPP) trustee in the offing, candidates will be coming out with their manifestos. Here is the manifesto of a good friend of mine:

"My fellow Parsis,

"I’m standing as a candidate in the forthcoming election of a BPP trustee. I do not wish to talk about my myriad achievements. I only want to tell you about the things I will do for the Parsi community if I’m elected.

"I will provide every Parsi family with a nice big flat in the existing baugs. I intend to demolish all the existing old buildings and replace them with 100-storey skyscrapers. The first 10 floors will be for parking. The next 10 floors will be a shopping mall. You won’t even have to leave your building to go shopping. Every building will have a multiplex cinema, a spa, many five-star restaurants, entertainment centers, etc. Every flat will be of at least 10,000 sq ft with an attached swimming pool. Every building will have a clubhouse with a garden, children’s park, a sports field and a helipad on top.

"To encourage Parsi couples to have more children, I will do the following. On the birth of the first child the BPP will give Rs 1,00,000 a month to the parents for the child’s upkeep. When the second child is born the amount will increase to Rs 2,00,000 a month. For the third child the amount will be Rs 3,00,000 a month, and so on. If a couple has six children, they will receive Rs 21,00,000 a month (Rs 1,00,000 + 2,00,000 + 3,00,000 + 4,00,000 + 5,00,000 + 6,00,000). I appeal to all Parsi couples to go forth (or stay at home) and multiply!

"The BPP will meet the entire education expenses of every Parsi child from nursery school to postgraduation and even professional courses. Because of today’s ‘Quota Raj,’ it is difficult for Parsis to get admission into medical and engineering colleges in India, so Parsi students will be sent to colleges in UK and USA to become doctors and engineers. Naturally, the BPP will foot all the bills.

"Every family should go on a vacation every year. The BPP will buy bungalows at hill stations and other vacation spots all over the world. They will have contracts with seven-star hotels so that for a few days poor Parsis can live like the super-rich. Free transportation, boarding and lodging will be provided to all Parsi families. Cruise liners will be leased for those who want to take a round-the-world trip.

"All practicing and retired priests will be given Rs 10,00,000 a month by the BPP. They will also receive free accommodation, a free car (a Mercedes) and free fuel. Once a year they will be sent abroad to educate and enlighten the Parsis living in other countries. Even today, when religious scholars (pseudo or otherwise) travel abroad for giving lectures they are provided first class airline tickets and accommodation in five-star hotels. The same facility will be provided to our priests when they go abroad.

"Every Parsi who wishes to start a business will be given a sufficient amount of capital by the BPP to start and run his own business. I want hundreds of Parsis to start businesses and provide employment to thousands of their fellow Parsis. Of course, they will be required to give fat salaries to their employees. Naturally, such businessmen will have to give a part of their profits to the BPP so that it can build huge skyscrapers at Godrej Baug and sell the flats for a few crores each. The profit so made will be used to help poor Parsis.

"If you have any other ideas which you wish me to include, please let me know and I’ll do my best to implement them.

"In the service of the Parsi community, I am your most humble servant,

Bejonji Bawa”

JAL S. DESAI

jaldesai@hotmail.com