Voters for a price

On the morning of April 17, 2009 I received by courier an invitation from Anahita and Yazdi Desai to entertainment and dinner at Rustom Baug that same evening and of course to meet Bombay Parsi Punchayet (BPP) trusteeship election candidate Armaity Tirandaz. Later, when I opened my front door I found a copy of the Jam-e-Jamshed dated March 29, a letter signed by Jamshyd Godrej dated March 24, and the CV of Maneck Engineer, another candidate, lying on the floor outside.

Yes, it is election season. Parsis are the first on the block, then there are elections to the Lok Sabha, and later we will have state elections. Where elections are concerned, Parsis may give a lesson or two to the others. Electioneering needs slogans. I took another look at the invitation card which read "Kom Ni Unity With Armaity.” I was reminded of Rustom Tirandaz who had come one morning to my colony with a loudspeaker mounted on a vehicle and announced, "Dharam sankat maa chhè, Kom sankat maa chhè (the religion is endangered, the community is endangered). Vote for me.”

No doubt dharam sankat maa chhè in the hands of the Parsis. As for the kom, unity is in smithereens, proof of which is staring us in the face the way fascists, fanatics and bigots behaved which cost the life of innocent seven-year-old Farzin Batliwalla. Yes, Parsis were feasting while Farzin was dying.

A few days ago I read in the newspapers that the assets of our sitting MPs (members of Parliament) have shot up by 600 to 900 percent during the last five years. Most of them are crorepatis, but own no house or car. This is an eyewash because it is only the declared, not the total income. The Times of India (TOI) reported on April 14: "In Andhra Pradesh, rush is on to get cash and liquor to voters...Each voter can gain up to Rs 5,000.” The next day TOI reported, "Notes for votes: Electorate gives netas run for money,” adding, "If there are no free lunches then there are no free elections either.”

After reading this it dawned on me that I am a nobody, and no one takes notice of me, so why all this fuss at election time? The candidates were offering dinners, cash, hooch and what have you for the asking. Why? After wracking my brains it dawned on me that not I, but my vote is precious. Once elections are over no one will take notice of me.

And so I have resolved that whenever a future BPP election is held, whether because another trustee (dies), or because of pressure exerted by Randeria and Company, or a threat by the Charity Commissioner, or the High Court upholding the Charity Commis­sioner’s order and showing the trustees the door, or for any other reason, this is the least I shall expect from the candidate or his chamchas/chelas (sycophants/acolytes) who extend invitations to me to attend election meetings for my precious vote.

Dinner should be at least a five or seven course affair and a proper menu must be printed on the invitation card. (Saria, achar and rotli will not be considered as a dish, please note). If it is a buffet, what is on offer must be listed clearly on the invitation card. A separate menu along with the invitation card would be appreciated. And one guest may also be allowed to accompany the invitee, just like the companion scheme offered by all airlines. Also, Moet or Dom Perignon or some other good quality champagne must be served with the meal.

Snacks must be served during the few hours that I sit and tolerate the trumpet blowing of the candidate, the mudslinging and character assassination of the opponents — not sev gathia or bhel puri but prawn cocktail and reshmi kebabs. And to wash it down there should be Johnny Walker Blue Label or Royal Salute, though 100 Casks or Single Malt would be most welcome. Rasna and Thums-up, etc are out. Also, transport by air-conditioned taxi to and fro from my residence to the venue is imperative.

And if the candidate thinks I am asking for too much, then he must forget my vote. Whether there is unity or splintering and fragmentation in the kom is no cause for concern. I want my pound of flesh, for it is common knowledge that those who tell us that they are out to do kom seva (community service) are only out to grab kom na malida mewa (community goodies).

I am confident a majority of bawas will join me in this noble cause. If a sizable number comes out in support, then an association called "World Association of Parsi, Irani, Zoroastrian, Voters for a Price” will be formed. We will have committees such as Menu Committee, Bar Committee and Entertainment Committee et al whose job will be to approach the candidates and put forth our demands for attending their meetings in all baugs. It is another matter whether we vote for them or not.

I earnestly hope that bawas who flock the baugs just for pulav dal and chicken farcha will give this a thought.

BEHRAM AGA

behram_r_aga@yahoo.co.in