Freny Fui’s Feng Shui

Freny Fui always says: "Dikra (son), touch wood but I’m not at all superstitious. Of course I never walk under ladders.”

On morning walks in Cusrow Baug, Freny Fui does a break-dance and then stops in her tracks each time she sees a black cat. "Mui avvar kaari bilari (damn, inauspicious black cat).”

"Please Fuiji,” I tell her, "Kitty is also God’s creature like you and me and has as much right to walk anywhere like the rest of us.” She misunderstood and told Freddy Fua that I called her a black cat. Fuaji reprimanded me in her presence (for his peace of mind and mental sanity) and later, when we were alone, he congratulated me saying, "What I always wanted to say since 45 years, you said it on her face.”

Last year Freny Fui invited herself to a holiday in Hong Kong. "I have an invitation from my near and dear relative,” she announced grandly.

"Queer!” said Fuaji, "who would want Freny for 10 days?”

Hong Kong turned out to be a learning experience for Fuiji. It was good for her personal growth as she learnt a lot about Feng Shui. She learnt that the most sumptuous bank headquarters were designed by a Feng Shui master to make use of the "positive energy sources.” This made her think — although Freddy Fua always told her "don’t think… thinking requires a brain.” But Fuiji strained her brain and thought — no banker is likely to waste money on something that doesn’t work.

She also saw a builder’s van that carried a yin and yang symbol, advertising a Feng Shui consultancy. Her head was bursting with fresh ideas when she returned to aapri (our) Mumbai. I told you she was a thinking woman. She consulted a certain self-appointed Feng Shui master who also moonlighted as a ladies’master (euphemism for a tailor) and in fact had formerly been a film poster painter. He sold her a lucky painting of a three-legged horse for one lakh rupees; only down payment.

"Are you mad?” her hubby screamed. "Even if it was a four-legged Husain horse, I wouldn’t pay such an obscene amount.”

Fuiji, as always, outshouted him: "I don’t want a normal four-legged horse. I want a good luck horse that brings us health, wealth, happiness and even restores our totally non-existent sex life.”

"You discussed our sex life with that fraud? You silly woman. I just hope the langro ghoro (lame horse) doesn’t turn out to be a Trojan horse which brings us bad luck.”

She also bought books on Feng Shui and was very impressed by the Chinese belief that lack of cash is the root of all misery. "Columbus discovered America,” muttered Freddy Fua.

She bought a three-legged porcelain frog to magnify prosperity, three Chinese coins suspended from a red silken rope to increase good fortune, a huge mirror to counteract the inauspicious chi energy coming from her jealous second floor neighbors Alamai and Manimai, a miniature water fountain alleged to bring exceptional money and luck, and red and yellow flowers to increase some good yang energies — all this while her retired husband’s bank account was dwindling faster than the hair on his head.

Fuiji also softened the sharp edges of every piece of furniture in the house and put money plants on every window sill. When she watered the money plants, it brought bad luck to her ground floor neighbor Vikaji Vaghmaru as his balcony received April showers throughout the year.

Fuiji put the television set in the west and a symbolic painting of a waterfall in the bathroom so they’d never have a shortage of water during Bombay’s frequent water cuts. Another painting of Niagara Falls was hung in the toilet.

Crystals were arranged in the north and south-east corners of the house. She moved the massive dining table into a diagonal position so everyone had to walk around it for every little thing in that room. Thrice Fuaji walked into the table and got hurt only to be told by his bitter half, "Why don’t you look where you’re going? Walking with your eyes closed?”

A huge mirror covered an entire wall to increase good luck, taking care it didn’t reflect the door which would then show good luck the way out. By now, it was very difficult for the entire family to get round the house but Fuiji managed to squeeze every ounce of power out of the Feng Shui articles week after week, appearing in a certain weakly (oops! weekly) magazine.

Then, she sat on her sofa saying, "I’ve got so much oomph! Each time I sit on the sofa, it goes oomph.” She sat there each day, everyday, and waited for money, name, fame, health, wealth, happiness, good luck, perhaps a renewed sex life with Fuaji, to fall from the heavens. But she always sat with her back pointing away from the door so she couldn’t be betrayed. Six days passed. Fuiji thought: Even God took seven days to create the world.

Fuaji was delighted to see his battle-axe wife sit peacefully. Six days of bhéja né shaanti (peace of mind), he thought. On the seventh day, the effects manifested. The pure leather on the sofa gave way and tore as Fuiji descended on it with all her oomph. She had to sit elsewhere, waiting for good luck. "Oothi jao (Get up)!” she commanded Fuaji, appropriating his favorite easychair which gave way, broke and hurt Fuiji’s ankle. When she returned home after fixing it (the ankle — not the chair) at the Dhobi Talao bhim (bonesetter), she found her husband with a bandaged head.

You see, the lucky three-legged horse painting had fallen on his head when he was quietly reading Parsiana, breaking the three-legged porcelain frog in the bargain.

Fuiji: "Why couldn’t you save the frog?”

Fuaji: "Because I was saving my head!”

The three Chinese coins lay scattered on the floor as the cheap red silken thread broke. The huge mirror fell to the ground, breaking the chandelier in the second floor jealous neighbor’s house.

Fuiji discovered stinky mold on the lucky water fountain. Her money plants fell on the ground floor neighbor Vikaji who threatened: "Tamara par legal action lévas (I’ll take legal action on you)!” The television screen broke when the wind chimes flew from the window and dashed against it.

"Maréré (Good God)! This is like Omen, Exorcist and those cheap Japanese horror movies,” said Fuiji and phoned the Feng Shui Master who wouldn’t pick up the phone, having fleeced her of a small fortune while making a monkey out of her. In fact, he survived on this Feng Shui business thanks mainly to Parsi women who were trusting, gullible and always greedy with a request for "more good luck than my neighbors please.”

She personally strode to his house and found a serpentine line of Parsi ladies waiting to turn their luck around for the better.

"You fraud, you cheat,” Fuiji screamed at him, all the while trying to beat him with her umbrella while he ducked. They went round and round the room (like in a Viennese waltz), then forward and backward (as in one-two-cha-cha-cha) until Fuiji slipped, tripped and fell on him in a suggestive salsa dance position that broke his ribs.

Fuiji yelled, "You promised me health, wealth, prosperity, name, fame, good sex life… All I got is misery. Chalo (come to the) police station you rascal! Logo ko ullu banaata (Making a fool of everybody)? Liar!”

"Arré mémsaab, aapko samajhna chahiyé (Oh madame, you should understand). Paisa (money), name, fame, shame, sab Feng Shui karné se aata hai kya (comes from doing Feng Shui or what)?” he pleaded.

Fuiji was furious: "Then why did you promise me all these things and why do you advertise in the weekly that so-and-so did my Feng Shui and became malamaal (prosperous)?”

"Arré madam, yeh toh advertising hai (Oh madame, this is all advertising). Chyawanprash khané sé koi Rustom pehelwaan ho jaata hai kya (Does one become strongman Rustom by eating Chyawanprash)? Kareena Kapoor desi shampoo lagaati hai kyaa (Does Kareena Kapoor use local shampoo? Amitabh Bachchan Navratna tél lagaté hai kya (Does Amitabh Bachchan apply Navratna oil)? Priyanka Chopra Lux sé naahti hai kyaa (Does Priyanka Chopra bathe with Lux? Fair and Lovely lagaané sé koi gora ho jata hai kya (Does one become fair by applying Fair and Lovely? Yeh sab "dish karo, wish karo” ka funda hai (This is all about "dish and wish”). Arré madam, jo actor log yeh sab endorse karté hain, woh khud uskaa istémal nahin karté (Oh madam, those actors who endorse these products don’t use it themselves). Zara socho aap to educated hain (Just think about it, you are an educated person).”

Fuiji was disgusted. She went home, collected all her Feng Shui stuff, took it to the middle of the road and left it there to let the negative chi energy from the speeding BEST bus do its worst!